


Sorrows Of Tomorrow

by Unnaturalstories



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Self-Harm, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 01:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11325801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unnaturalstories/pseuds/Unnaturalstories
Summary: Fragmented thoughts of a suffering mind, longing for the times when everything was well.





	1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story is a little dark, and sad. A lot of angst. I know I'm not the best writer, but I think I'm improving! ^-^ I hope you guys enjoy this! No read on my lovely little bookworms!

Disclaimer: I. DO. NOT. OWN. THESE. WONDERFUL. BOYS. Nickelodeon does at least I think they do… (Haha Nickelodeon is an actually word! I never knew that. ^-^)

I was alone. Finally, blissfully, alone. No one could bother me here. I breathed a sigh of relief. My hands were shaking with what I was about to do. My heart started to pound and I got this sort of nervous feeling in my stomach. My throat closed up and it felt like my mouth was getting dry. I slowly walked over to my dresser. I closed my eyes and took a long, deep, breath trying to calm myself down. It's not good to do it when your hands are shaking. Once I had stopped my hands from shaking I slowly, and carefully opened the top drawer of my dresser. I dug around in the socks and underwear for a little while until I finally found my special little box. Right where I had left it last time. I carefully took the box out of the drawer and sat down on my bed. I knew I wouldn't be disturbed. Everyone went out to dinner and I was alone. They offered me an invitation, but I politely declined feigning a headache. I told everyone I was just going to take some aspirin and go to bed. They all showed looks of worry, and a little concern, but left anyways with condolences of "feel better". Once I heard the door click closed I smiled to myself. They always buy the lies I tell them, and that's how I ended up here. I found the little compartment under the box. It used to be a watch box and for whatever reason it has a little space under the box with a door and I thought that would be the place to hide my razors. Yes, razors as in, more than one. I grabbed my favorite one, the sharpest, and sat on my bed. I rolled my sleeve up and pressed the razor down on my skin. I quickly slid it across my damaged wrist. It hurt, but I didn't stop until I felt satisfied that it left a big enough mark. I watched the blood bubble up to the surface.

The blood didn't really move it just stayed there welled up on my wrist. I used to cut on the side of my wrist afraid that if I cut under my wrist I would cut a vein. I didn't want to die at that time. Then I tried it one day and now? I just can't stop cutting there. Whenever I have a bad day, this is my relief. This takes away the pain of a bad day. My mood has been worse also. I snap at everything and everyone one. I don't know why, It just sort of happens. I run the razor across my skin again. Instantly, I feel some of the pain from today rush from my head into my wrist. Sounds stupid I know. How could the emotional pain turn to physical pain? I don't know, but it does and it helps, tremendously. I stare down at the two bloody cuts on my wrists. I needed more. I usually put at least three on each wrist every time I cut. I slid the razor one more time making this one long, but not very deep. I endured the pain it caused, and let a tear slip out of my eye. I grabbed a wad of tissues and pressed them to my fresh cuts. I had to wait a while for the bleeding to stop, but once it did I moved on to my other wrist. Three cuts just like the other one. I quickly slid the razor across the scarred skin thinking about why I was doing this. Where was this emotional pain coming from? Why did I have emotional pain, anyway? Wasn't I supposed to be happy, after all I have great friends, a great life, people always think of me as the happy smiling one, but I'm not happy? I'm not happy at all. I'm sad and maybe even depressed. I don't like going out with the family anymore, I don't like talking to people anymore, and getting up every day is a challenge for me. I Wish I could just sleep my life away, and never wake up. Unfortunately I can't do that. I have to get up and go to school, I have to get up and go to rehearsal, and I have to get up and act like I'm not falling apart. I have to smile and pretend everything is okay. I have to act as normal as I possibly can around the guys, or they would know something was up. I finished the third cut and grabbed a few more tissues and held them wadded up against my wrist. My wrists stung like they always do afterwards, but it was worth it. The pain in my head was now gone. The pain I felt in my chest subsided as well. The only pain I felt now was in my wrists. The only pain I can endure feeling is the physical pain. The emotional pain is too much. It always was too much. If I hadn't of done something to help myself I don't know what would have happened. I sighed and looked down at the six fresh cuts on my wrists. They all finally stopped bleeding and just looked red and painful against my skin.

I heard the front door open so I quickly slipped the razor back into its little compartment under the box and put it away in my dresser. I rolled down my sleeves and lay down in bed pretending to be asleep. I could hear the guys laughing and joking. I felt a pang run through my chest. I was sad I wasn't there to joke and laugh along with them. I was sad that it hurt to laugh now. I was sad that my life was falling apart and I could do nothing to stop it. Tears burned at the back of my eyes, but I would let them fall. Just in case the guys decided to check on me. I couldn't let them see me cry, and then they would definitely know something was up. I kept thinking about the life I used to have. Before this appending darkness over came me. Before I started to feel the way I did. Before I started to do what I do now. I slowly started to drift asleep as I thought these things. The guys would never know what I do when their gone. The guys will never know how I feel because soon, I will be the one that's gone. I have everything planned out. Tomorrow will be my last day on Earth. Tomorrow I will say my final, good bye.

A/N: Don't worry that's not the end. There will be one more chapter coming. So who do you think it is? It could be anyone and I'll give cookies to anyone who guesses right! Come on who doesn't like cookies?


	2. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

A/N: Cookies to anyone who guessed right! :D 

Disclaimer: *sigh* Big Time Rush does not belong to me. Only in my dreams where they are pampering me and coming to my every beck and call. ;D

Claimer: All mistakes are mine even if I wish they didn't belong to me. ;)

 

Twinkle twinkle little star

Carlos looked down at the ground beneath him. He staggered back at the sheer sight of how high up he really was. He knew he needed to get this done quickly or he was going to start attracting a crowd. He may be a bit slow sometimes, but he definitely wasn't stupid. He remembered thinking about how cool it would be to jump off a tall building onto a trampoline, or even do the cartoon version; into a pool of water, but now that he stood up here on one of the highest buildings in L.A he was scared, no terrified to jump. He didn't exactly want to die. Maybe just disappear, but that was never going to happen. He just couldn't find any other way out of this predicament he found himself in. Carlos took another deep breath through his nose, and grazed his hand along the scars on his right wrist. Some were still bleeding from a recent session, while others were just a thin white scar. He could feel the scabs on the cuts he had done a few days ago. These simple, painful, gestures had held a lot of his hurt or years, but now they just weren't working like they used too. They didn't take the pain away, they didn't help him cope, really, all they did was just added more pain. More pain he couldn't take. Carlos felt ashamed and guilty about his actions. He was tired of fibbing to his friends; he was tired of always having to hide the cuts on his arms. He didn't want to smile just to assure someone he was happy when he so obviously wasn't.

How I wonder what you are

Carlos often wondered who he was because he wasn't Carlos anymore. Carlos was the little, happy boy in the past. The Carlos now was a broken shell of the Carlos back then. He knew he was acting different. His friends knew he was different, they tried to help him, but Carlos would just shut them out. He didn't want them to know he was breaking into pieces. He didn't want them to help him fix problems he himself made. Carlos was stuck, and he couldn't find a way out. It didn't matter how many hours he spent trying to find a solution for everything because he always came back to one final thought, suicide. It was the best solution he could come up with. It would fix everything. His lies, his mistakes, his misery. He slowly walked back over to the edge and took a step up onto the ledge. He refused to look back down because he knew that if he took even one glance down he wouldn't follow through with the plan. He wouldn't be able to jump and every mistake he made would never be fixed.

Up above the world so high

But Carlos looked down anyways. He wanted to see how high up he really was. He wanted to see what he was facing. He could see a few people walking along the sidewalks getting home late. He wondered what they were thinking. Seeing a boy of his age up on one of the tallest buildings in L.A. He tried to calculate where he would land exactly. It was kind of amusing in a dark, demented sort of way. He decided he was going to land close to the fire hydrant, but not on it exactly. Carlos laughed to himself. He felt like it should start raining or something, but as he looked up into the sky, he saw stars.

Like a diamond in the sky

He looked up, at the stars. They were especially bright tonight. He briefly wondered if they knew what he was about to do, but then shook that thought out of his head. They were inanimate objects of course they didn't know. The stars were really pretty, like shining diamonds up in the sky. Carlos hoped that once it was all over he would get to be one of those stars. He wanted to be able to stay up there and watch his friends. Watch his friend live, and be happy. He wanted to see his friends live out their lives like normal people. That's why he wanted to a star. So his friends could look up at the sky whenever they missed him and know he was watching them. Know that he was there for them, and he would always be. Just like they were there for him, when he needed them.

Twinkle twinkle little star

Carlos was just about to jump when three voices directly behind him stopped him in his tracks.

"Carlos, don't!"

"Carlos,"

"Stop!"

Carlos slowly turned around to see his three friends standing side by side with looks of fear etched into their faces.

"W-we can talk this out. You don't have to do this, Carlos," Logan said quietly.

"Please Carlos we can go home, sit on the couch, and you can tell us everything that's been bothering you," Kendall tried to reason.

Carlos stood there and surveyed all his friends. Logan's hair was a mess, probably because of the sheer amount of times he's ran his hand through it in the last 30 minutes. Kendall's eyes were wild and red contrasting violently with his pale face. His mouth would open and close like he wanted to say something, but couldn't find the right words. James was shirtless with wet hair, like he had just rushed out of a shower. In fact, he probably had. James stood there staring right into Carlos' eyes, his body trembling uncontrollably. 

"James," Carlos' voice cracked. "James it's freezing out here and you're wet. Take my jacket." 

Carlos slipped out of his jacket, balancing precariously on the ledge. Then he threw it to the tan boy. 

James hesitated a second before pulling the jacket on. He really was freezing and the jacket was warm from Carlos' body heat.

finally Kendall found the words he wanted to say. 

"Come on buddy let's get you home," Kendall stepped forward to grab Carlos' hand.

Carlos shook his head fiercely and yelled, "Stop! I'm not coming home with you. I'm never going home again. It's going to end here, tonight."

They didn't understand. They would never understand. That's why he didn't tell them, that's why he kept it to himself, and that's why they were in this predicament now. Carlos chuckled a dark laugh, while his friends looked at him in puzzlement. Now wasn't the time to laugh. Carlos dangled one foot off the edge.

"I just hope you guys can forgive me."

With that Carlos pushed himself off the edge into the darkness. He was falling with his back to the ground so the last thing he saw was the faces of his friends peering over the edge. When he looked closer, he could see tears falling down their cheeks racing towards the ground with him. He felt tears leak out his eyes as well, they floated upwards mingling with those from his friends, and right before he hit the ground he mouthed the words.

"Good bye."

How I wonder what you are


End file.
